No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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