I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
