Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
