just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
