She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
