After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
