I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
