i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
They have beer where we have blood.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
