can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
