Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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