Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
