what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
