I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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