she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
