it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
