yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
