i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
