Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
