Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
