My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
