The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
