Will you blow on my dice?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
