I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
