you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
