I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
