I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The power of my boobs compel you
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
