You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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