tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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