i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
