Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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