im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
