i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
