i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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