he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
