im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
my nose is crying tears of wow.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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