You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
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