Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
