I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
