I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
