please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
