i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It's shark week go big or go home
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
