So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
