I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
