38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
