I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
