There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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