I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
