Capitaan dildo arrescate!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
