The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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