I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
There's always time for handjobs
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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